Tough Lessons, Positive Results

Have you ever thought to yourself: WHY ME! Why did this happen to me? How did I get myself into these situations? Why do they keep coming back? The answer is simple, we haven't learned the lesson from it yet.

The key takeaway is to take something that might potentially harm you for life, and allow it to strengthen you instead. Let's go through a few of my own tough lessons to see how I flipped the script in my head.

First, I have always liked to have a good time, and sometimes this brought me into unsafe situations. When I went off to college, I learned how to salsa dance. Not just in a college class, but from real dancers. We even had a small salsa team for a while that would do local performances. I had found something that made me feel alive and happy, and fulfilled a part of me that I didn't understand at the time (yes, connection to another past life, but that's for a later time).

If you've never tried it, you're missing out! There's something about the music and the live bands that get into your soul. It wasn't even about having a specific 'partner' but more about the group vibe and ability to dance with everyone around. Male or female didn't matter. Some of the best leaders were actually female, in my opinion. I lived it up at every salsa event in Humboldt that I could find, so when I moved to the Bay Area, I really wanted to keep that fun outlet going. San Francisco had some of the best clubs in the 2000's and they were all over the bay! So exciting for a young 20-something-year-old to explore the dance scene.

I lived in the Mission District at the time and The Roccapulco was a quick walk down the street. Back then it was a little seedy, but I'm sure now it's great (LOL). A few times I had went with some female friends, but soon realized it wasn't safe to walk home. One time, we had to take off our stilletos and run, ready to beat a fool with the heel of the shoe. I can not imagine doing this now, and really, it shouldn't have happened then either. I know the universe has helped me through many stupid times, but a big lesson was coming my way.

I worked at the Gold's Gym Castro, the most entertaining fitness club on earth. Fridays were disco Fridays, the front desk would sing on the intercom, and the vibe was always energetic. If you know anything about the GG Castro, you know that a majority of the clientele there was gay. This was somewhat new to me, and it was nice to NOT have men all over me at the gym; they were all over each other. However, there was one person that worked there that was straight, said they loved dancing salsa, and suggesterd meeting up at Roccapulco. My inner senses told me NO, this is not a good idea, you don't even like this person. My FOMO persona said, GO FOR IT! Have some fun. I knew this was a bad idea; just the fact that we both worked at the same club was going to be awkward if he tried anything.

Fast forward, to going out and we had fun. It was actually nice to have someone to dance with, create our own moves, and then perform or practice. I always see the good in people so I will say this person was super funny, athletic, and a hard worker. I was young, I'd had my heart broken recently, and I really didn't want anything serious. This person did not get that message. The relationship became extremely possessive almost immediately. The verbal control and manipulation had gotten in my head. Like most women that go through these situations as a first, a few things run through your head: they must be joking, they can't be that insecure, it was partly my fault, I will behave in a way that creates less problems.

We know how this story goes...it only gets worse. From control came verbal abuse, from verbal abuse came physical abuse. How did I get myself into this? Well, when someone takes the control away from you, you are left with nothing. He had scared away a lot of my friends, he was embarrassing to be around, and he played the 'nice guy' in front of people that he knew would matter. I was a strong person, I knew this was wrong, but I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed! I had let someone manipulate me and create a dark cloud around my life. He was a heavy drinker too, and that's when the worst would happen.

One time, walking back from dancing, he freaked out and said that I had been flirting with someone. Since I didn't fully understand the insanity of this remark, I laughed it off. 2-seconds later I was pinned on the ground with the air knocked out of me. This mother fucker picked me up and tossed me on the ground like it was WWF! So I fought as hard as I could, but to no avail. I kicked him hard in the nuts and he stopped. One thing about me, I'm small but will throw down and scrap quick. I have 2 brothers and no fear when that level of bullshit hits. This was the first major incident and I locked him out of my apartment. Of course, the crying and begging came the next day. I fell for it.

Things got worse and worse, I ended up fighting with my roommate and living with this turd and his family. The pieces started to connect: his dad treated his mom the same way when he was drunk. Luckily, he was a recovering alcoholic and I didn't witness anything but love from them. They were very nice people, but had created a monster with this hidden trauma he had gone through. I wasn't about to continue being a punching bag, I had to get out.

There were many more situations of abuse that happened, and I'll spare the details because it's not important. The important thing was: I GOT AWAY! There was a last straw, there was an ending point. There was a way to get out, but it took some time. After I had moved in with him, I automatically regretted it and knew I had to find a way out. The Bay Area isn't cheap, so I had been looking for a full-time job and stacking money on the side. I kept investing in steps that would get me out of there, I had a plan.

I finally left one night after it went too far again. I finally got the courage to push off my embarrassment to get help. My brother lived not too far away, and I had a safe place to go. During that time, I had also acquired a job as a Group Fitness Manager (Bladium to the rescue) and knew that I could afford my own apartment. I remember working at Bladium, for maybe a few weeks, and came in with scratches on my face and puffy eyes from crying. I felt safe there, the people were incredibly special and still are to me. They helped me climb out of a dark hole. I even had a few coworkers help me get my stuff from that house, so I had protection.

As I looked back on my situation, a few things jumped out at me. The lessons: trust your instincts, not all people are good enough for your time. You are strong, you are a survivor. You have the power to take control of any situation, even if it's a slow plan to get there. It's never okay to treat anyone like this, and the fighter in me lives to see another day. It's also okay to get help. Many women go through this and feel helpless or stuck, it is embarrassing but it's not your fault! Things like this can sneak up on the best of people, and not just women get abused.

Hopefully, this story will inspire others to pick up the pieces, even when it feels really broken. The only person that can change a shit situation is you! There are good people out there to help, and they will not judge your mistakes, they will help empower you. I believe this had a profound effect on me for a long time; at first it made me protect myself from getting close to anyone. Then, it was a way to push me further once I was stable. Like everything I've done, I have no regrets because I believe that everything we go through makes us stronger. I found out how strong I was and how much I truly valued myself. Never again would I let myself get into that situation, I broke the cycle for myself, you can too.

As for forgiveness, I see people like this as a sad representation of their own environment. They only know how to treat people like objects; ownership instead of companionship. That karma is their lesson to figure out, it lies on them and no one else. We all have our own lessons to learn, no one is going to do it for us.

-A